Epistemographer

[If you haven’t already, read the two entries below first]

So, that said, what exactly did I get out of Urban Tribes?

See, here’s the thing – by Watters’ definition, I’m sort of tribeless right now. I can honestly say that I’ve been a part of two tribes in my life, neither of which have a day-to-day influence in my life like the massively inbred, interconnected tribes that are described in the book.

It wasn’t always like this. After college at Johns Hopkins, the core of my group of friends hung around Baltimore. Since I was one of the young-uns, I had the luxury of having them around for years while I was still in school, and many were still there once I left for Cornell. Baltimore was the nexus where my friends were, and it’s the place I called home for years after I no longer technically lived there.

While we were in Baltimore, the Hopkins gang were a textbook tribe. We relied on each other for support, for friendship, in some cases for love – when Digger and Liz dropped the bomb that they were a couple, it seemed like it couldn’t have been scripted better if the writers of Friends had taken a crack. We had rituals, we had our own holidays (Cheese Day, for example, about which more will be said below). We were an us.

When I left Baltimore, I was still very much a part of this tribe, though not on the day-to-day basis of going over to Digger’s apartment after work to see what was going on that night. Over time, I found a tribe in Ithaca, a group of people bound together by lindy hop who were close-knit, supportive, and even more incestuous than the Hopkins gang. Every night, I knew that there’d be something going on with some combination of Julie, Eric, Liv, Sarah, Alex, Mel, Lucy, Jojo, Gina, Ryan, and Bill. It was a great feeling, and I hoped that I’d found a new home.

I did, for a while, especially as the Hopkins gang began to peel away from Baltimore, one by one. Kevin left for San Francisco by way of Austin, Justin for Pittsburgh, then Chicago. Ken moved. Dig and Liz headed to San Diego. Amber headed to film school. Jason headed for Virginia. Every time I came back to Baltimore, there were fewer and fewer people there, and at some point I realized that I’d left too.

That’s not to say that I felt any more distance from the Hopkins gang – it’s just that I saw them together on a less regular basis. I’ve managed to see almost everyone at least once a year (or two) in their new digs, and I value each of the individually. In the end, though, there’s still nothing like the once a year when as many of us as possible get together for a day that’s ostensibly about Cheese, but is really about us.

Over the past year or two, I’ve lost my tribe in Ithaca, too. I’ve still got friends there, but a combination of people leaving and me finding Jenny meant that I shifted from looking for a group to looking for a partner. True to Watters’ observations, once you find someone to become an us with, you stop looking to a larger tribe for support.

The other day, I realized something odd – the Hopkins gang has gained a bunch of associated members over the past few years. Ken brought in his now-wife Lauren, Tara brought her fiance Alan, Dave met Nina (by way of Lauren). I’ve got Jenny, Kevin’s got Suzan. It’s not that we’re all paired off by any means, but the dominant tone has shifted from one of single people to one of a bunch of pairs (or maybe that’s just me, because I’m now one of the pairs).

Here’s the thing about an urban tribe as Watters describes it – he never really states it, but they rely on a very specific kind of geography. You’ve got to be in the same place, haunting the same restaurants and apartments, going to the same parties and sitting on the same spectrograph for a tribe to really gel in that certain way. When the Hopkins gang is all together, or at least a bunch of us are, I can feel an echo of those interwoven lives. But it’s different now, and we’re like a family at Thanksgiving, when the kids have come home from college or their own jobs, and they each have their own families. It’s like home again, but you never lose yourself in it quite the same way.

That said, I’m counting the days until next Saturday, when everyone who can will make it to Baltimore for Cheese Day. Like Men’s Night (whick Kev blogged about earlier this year), Cheese Day is our version of Thanksgiving. While I’ve always felt on the periphery of Men’s Night, Cheese Day is my holiday, when Dig and Dave argue over who makes a better crappy cheese sandwich and we watch a cheesy movie and gorge on cheese of all kinds, when we elect the yearly Cheese Queen and King and make the same jokes and do all the other stuff that must seem incredibly bizarre and dorky to anybody who isn’t part of the group. When we feel like a big huge family, an us that’s incredibly important to everyone in the room. And this year, I’m bringing Jenny to be a part of this group for the first time.

The weird thing is that the last people I’m close with are leaving Baltimore later this year. When Dave and Nina move, I’ll no longer have an easy couch to crash on when I’m in town. Hell, I probably won’t have a reason to be in town. We’re now scattered across the country, from San Francisco to San Diego to Chicago to Cincinnatti to D.C. to New York, and many of us don’t know where we’ll be this time next year.

Reading Urban Tribes made me think about these people, and how important they are to me. I miss the days when we were more condensed and seeing each other was just a matter of walking a block or two, but I realize that that was a phase in our lives, and I wouldn’t trade where we are now for anything. Rather than all living in the same place, we’re starting to converge in different cities for weddings. By next year, two of us will have a child, which is exciting and weird and totally drives home the point that whatever things are like now, they’re not quite like they used to be.

I don’t know where Cheese Day will be next November – might be Chicago, might be Philly, could be anywhere else. All I know is that wherever it is, I’ll be on a plane there, to be a part of an urban tribe that’s not quite an urban tribe anymore, my extended family of friends.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 12th, 2003 at 12:32 am and is filed under Virtual Book Tour: Urban Tribes. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.